Mother, Runner, and again Working Woman

It is with mixed emotions that I return to work tomorrow.  Clare is 3 months old and I feel like we are in a good mom/daughter groove.  I'm starting to get to know her well and she definitely knows me.  I've said all along I didn't think I was cut out for this stay-at-home mommy thing, and while I'm not.  It's going to be hard to drastically cut back the hours I've been spending with her.  40 hours a week seems like a lot.  Maybe someday I can figure out something part-time or just a different situation, but for now, I'll be at work.  It will be nice to get back to that daily routine - I do better with routine. 

My running camp that I joined is at that critical time when the running-shoe-rubber hits the road.  When you first start it seems ridiculously easy.  Run for 2 minutes?  No problem! (OK - so it wasn't completely effortless, but it didn't seem impossible).  We are transitioning this week to running longer than we walk, and I remember when I was training for my first 10K (6 years ago!!! YIY) there came a point, about in the middle of the program, when you felt like you turned the corner into a runner.  It got noticeable harder.  That's going to be this week I think.  I welcome the challenge.  It feels good to be able to push myself again without worrying about another human being.  I just worry about me.  It's nice.  Mother's really do make ultimate sacrifices for their children and I'm not just saying that because I am a mom now.  It's more like I am understanding what millions of other women do for their children.  It amazes me actually.

Last Wednesday when we run, the coach was talking about how running gives you the confidence that you can do anything.  You can ask for that promotion, lose weight, skydive....whatever.  And the first thing that came to my mind was "But I couldn't give my daughter a natural birth".  I think about this a lot when running and I believe I'm still harboring some feelings of guilt, disappointment and failure about the way things went down.  My husband said "You say that like you had a choice."  True - it was an emergency C-Section - not planned, I did everything I could but it was out of my control.  But I cannot help the way I feel.  It's just going to take time to let go I think.  Anyway, I think about this a lot while running.  Let me update from a previous post...Labor is NOT like running a marathon.  I was a fool :)  There are no walk breaks during labor.  You cannot get a water break and it hurts and is exhausting with no easement.  And it gets worse.  Yet I still have memories of pushing through a lot while running and feeling so proud of myself and what I could accomplish which make the actual labor part feel like even more of a failure.  I DNF'd birth.  I've often said that my greatest fear is reaching my limits.  Knowing that I cannot do any better.  That was the most I would understand intellectually, the most fit I could ever be, the most caring I can ever be.....So maybe having Clare just felt like reaching my limit.  Like that was something I just couldn't handle and do.

I KNOW.  I KNOW.  I KNOW.  I have a beautiful baby girl and I am healthy.  I finished.  I know it isn't rational, but it's how I feel sometimes.  98% of the time I do not think of this, but running opens you up to a flood of emotions and thoughts.  And there you have it.