In which I pull myself back

It is so much nicer to look back and see the things I have done to change rather than still be thinking about all the ways I am going to change. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and got serious. All those days I spent in the gym and around the lakes last summer/fall thinking why can’t I be faster? Why can’t I be stronger? It took this whole month (or more) of nothing, and significant loss of fitness to realize just what I had. In order for me to be stronger and faster I would have had to push myself a lot harder over that plateau. I was in pretty good shape, maintaining what I had, and unbeknownst to me at the time, I was reaping the benefits of being in that condition. My New Years resolution then is to be aware of what I have. Be aware of how hard I am working and enjoy it. Be mindful of how far I have come. It was ridiculous of me to be surprised at how I had improved as a runner and the clothes I was fitting into and then ask “Wow, where did that come from?” Duh. I worked for it. Well, if it took me losing some form to come to this conclusion I think it was worth it. You have to go through the valleys to recognize the peaks.

Back to what I have been doing then. I started back at Weight Watchers seriously again. I never stopped going completely, but my heart hasn’t been in it for a long time. I lost 3 pounds last week and am on my way to more loss this week. Since Jan 1 I have been to the gym every day but one. That’s not the point, but it’s just significant that I have been going. By golly, that wedding dress is going to fit again by alteration time in mid-February. No doubt.

I recently read this and found it very obvious, but refreshing and sensible.

“Motivation is not going to strike you like lightening. And motivation is not something that someone else - nurse, doctor, family member – can bestow or force on you. The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it. Exercise, lose weight, test you blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation. And then, guess what? After you start doing the thing, that’s when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.”

“…you’re more likely to act yourself into feeling that feel yourself into action. So act!”

In which I let myself go

Ew. I'm so mad at myself. Me and Oprah. I read an article by her in her magazine today about how embarrassed and angry with herself she is for gaining nearly 40 pounds back. That's exactly how I feel. Although it's only 5-7 pounds it's a lot of lost muscle and feelings of self worth. No I'm not worth what I weigh or look like, but I don't feel good when I don't exercise. Yes, my life has come to that. I can't believe that I can't ignore that fact. I'm not myself when I'm not exercising. Sheesh. So what? Now I'm supposed to work out for the rest of my life? Great.

OK. Just a hint of sarcasm there.

But this is the season of hope. I have, if nothing else, hope. No, I have hope and faith. Time to start the revolution again. Time to fuel the fire to achieve. All is not lost; hope remains. Faith that God gave me the tools to be healthy.

This sounds a lot like a New Year's resolution if you ask me.

Vegas 1/2 Marathon

This race is SO FUN! Yes, after you turn off the strip the only people left clapping are the homeless people who slept there the night before. Heck, even on the strip there aren't many people in Vegas up at 6AM. But who cares!?! There is so much dazzle to look at!

The race started a 6AM Sunday morning. I guess the story starts before that though. I quit training for this race November 2nd. That is the day I ran 9 miles and until December 7th I hadn't run more than 5 miles per week. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but I was past the point of caring how the race would turn out. I would enjoy it. I would get a medal. I would gorge myself at the buffet. I had my best girls there; no matter what I was just happy to be there with them.

Well, the race started at 6AM at Mandalay Bay. It's still dark at 6AM. There was the full Vegas strip in all it's excessive glory laid out before me.

Elvi, Santa's and veils were all around. Robin Leech was commentating. Yes. The Robin Leech. My plan: run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute, enjoy, repeat (about 1000 times). The gun went off. Nay, not the gun. The fireworks.

SPECTACULAR.

I cried. I was directly underneath the spot where they were lighting them off when the finale happened. What an overwhelming feeling. Amazing. Absolutely amazing to count myself amongst all these athletes. What an amazing blessing. I could be out there. I could run. God gave me that day, and I was going to enjoy it. It still makes me tingle and get a little emotional thinking about it.

So for the rest of the 4 mile or so Strip, I putzed around. I pulled over to take pictures. Several in some spots if they didn't turn out. What did I care. I wasn't in a hurry. I was in it for the long haul.

Saw the girls at about mile 3 and I lept into the air and proclaimed "Fresh as a daisy!" And surprisingly, I was. Ok. Well, things were going so well I decided to run my usual 10 minutes and walk 1.

I passed the run through wedding chapel where a bunch of Elvi were clapping for the newlyweds.

The next water stop featured wedding cake so I partook. Miles 5-8 or so were solid. Flat course. Kept on going. Was feeling ok. Around mile 9 though I started to think that maybe a little endurance training might have done me some good. My legs were getting tired. Starting to run again after the walks were getting really hard. But I was still passing people. Huh. Saw my girls again at mile ten. I puffed "Fresh........as..................................a daisy" and barely kicked a heal in the air. They screamed and clapped and cheered, so I sped away with a some renewed energy. My legs were shaking by that point though, so I started walking about every 1/2 mile instead.

Mile 11 I realized, I only had 2 miles left. Which meant if I kept it up, at the MOST 25 minutes. That would mean UNDER a 2:30 1/2!?!? Wha??? My April 1/2 was 2:40 something, maybe 2:45. No way. No way.

Mile 12. The marathoners passed me. Why didn't I get a picture of that? Oh yeah, because I was concentrating on trying to feel my legs. But the 1st and 2nd finishers in the marathon blew past us all. It was way cool. They? Looked fresh as daisies.

FINALLY. The finish. Nice medal. Hugs all around. I ran as fast as I could for the last .10 - which seemed like a long way. My face was all contorted with pain and lack of oxygen. 2:29:09. I never would have believed it if the chip didn't record it. I had more fun though that any race.

These girls are rock solid.

Dome Running

Last night I went to the metrodome to run. I've been wanting to try this for a while now. It's nice actually. You pay your dollar and can run as long as you want around and around the dome from 5-7pm. It's safe. It's warm (but not too warm). It's got a nice concrete floor that you don't have to worry about tripping on and there is plenty of stuff to look at on the walls.

Only problem?

It made me want a hot dog, real bad! I don't think it actually smelled like a hot dog in there, but whenever I am at the dome it does. During Twins games it smells like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and beer and....YUM. I couldn't stop thinking about all the wonderful concessions!

70 laps will yield 26.2 miles. SEVENTY LAPS! Yiy. I did 11. That was 4.35. Which is practically 13.1. I'm so ready for this 1/2! (I'm psyching myself out here)

Optimistic

December is going to go right! I'm going to remain calm while shopping and wedding planning. I'm going to work out and feel good about myself again. I'm going to start a new job and bring only my good habits with me. I'm going to develop new good habits and skills.

And it's all going to start with a trip to Las Vegas and a 1/2 Marathon. Yessiree - December is going to be alright!

Bittersweet ending

I turned in my resignation at my job yesterday. I am leaving for a position in another company that will give me an opportunity to develop my leadership and communication skills. I'll learn a ton about project management and even potentially be managing a few other people. My skill set will help give me a background for what I'm going to be learning. It's all good on paper.


But it's so sad in my heart. How can I sit there and tell my two managers that I like my job, I enjoy working for them, I think they are great and have really done a lot for me. And that I like the company....because then tell me again why am I leaving??? Oh yes. This great opportunity.


I'm so excited about this new position because it's going to be a real challenge. I'll be working on things that have high visibility and can make a huge impact on the way things are currently being done. The corporate culture there seems a little bit more conservative, more demanding. But I'm excited to see how I fare in that kind of environment. I want to excel!


My managers didn't even know I was looking. Heck, I didn't know I was looking, this kind of just fell in my lap. I had to keep it professional when I told them I was leaving. I cried though. But then wasn't the time to gush about my high regard for them and the company. And now I'm screaming inside to tell them how hard of a decision this was and how I truly think they are wonderful bosses. I have so much respect for them both. It's agonizing.


This decision is made. There can't be any room for doubt and regret. I made the choice. I hope it was the right one.

Blissfully in Denial

Life is pretty good right now. I just returned from a trip to visit my parents in NM, a destination which I love and will forever miss. We finalized the design for wedding invitations that mom will be making. All 120 of them. By hand. And they will be perfect because mom won't settle for less. Even though I would. I bought a wedding dress! It really happened so quickly. I can't post a picture because my fiance reads this. Infrequently, but I can't take that chance. There will be plenty of pictures later I'm sure. It looks amazing though and if I can lose 10 pounds I'll be able to breathe in it! That's a joke. But it is tight - like OJ Simpson glove tight. And that is no joke.

I'll be heading to Vegas with some girl friends in a couple of weeks and it is going to be a BLAST!

Except for that pesky 13.1 mile run I promised to do while there. Enter denial. Holy cow! I haven't been running regularly and last week I didn't run even once. My training has been pathetic. I did have a glimmer of hope a few times there when I did long runs on the weekends (twice) but it's gotten bad again. And the thing is, I'm not worried. Oh, I know it's gonna be a hard race because of my lack of training. It makes me a little sad because it feels so good to really rock a race and this one I will just be running. It will be like a really uncomfortable long run instead of a race I am psyched about and ready to conquer. Should I be more worried than I am? Maybe, but I still feel like I can do it. I still believe that I am in good enough shape to wing a 1/2 Marathon. Huh. Well I guess that is some kind of accomplishment. Me? Winging 13 miles?? Other people can do it. Why can't I? We'll see.

I'm not down and out yet though! I've got 3 weeks left and I'm not planning a big taper. If I can get up to 11 miles again I'll feel ready. One thing that the denial is helping with is that I still believe there is time and at the same time I understand that time is running out so I feel like I am in a good position mentally. I've got all of the urgency with none of the guilt.