Monday, October 24, 2011

You only fail when you quit trying

This has been one of my mantras over the years.  I didn't know it was a mantra until I kept failing at so many things but just kept trying.  Having a child changes everything.  Everything I don't like about myself I want to make sure she doesn't do.  Every good thing about myself and my husband I want her to learn.  And both, good or bad, she will learn by example.

I don't want my life to become my daughters.  I still have interests and goals.  She does get most of me, but I plan to keep some of me.  I'm afraid I will end up telling my daughter what to do rather than showing her.

If she says she is going to do something, she should set reasonable goals and work towards it.  And if she doesn't get it exactly right, she shouldn't make excuses or blame others.  She should just pick herself up and keep moving forward.

She should eat and enjoy healthy foods and have fun while being physical.   

She should be realistic about her choices.  Make sensible decisions.  Not shy away from hard work.  

She should realize how blessed she is to have a home and a family and warm mittens in the winter.  

She should always, always, always honor her mother and father.  

Those things above are what I want my daughter to learn and how I need to be for her to learn.  I'm sure there are many more things, but pointedly, I picked out the things that I feel I am NOT doing currently that I need to change.

I'm ready to be a runner again.  I'm ready to be fit and healthy.  So I've been running.  And dieting.  And it's gone good with the running.  Hit or miss with the dieting.  But that's my point.  I've got to keep moving forward.  Focus on the things I want and what I am trying to instill in my daughter.  I'll get there again.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A Haiku about work

I miss my baby.
She is growing up too fast.
What if I miss it?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Plus Size Runner

Not only am I trying to run postpartum after a hiatus from ANY form of physical activity, I realized the other day while trying to lug around, oh say, 40 more pounds than usual, that I have never run at this weight before.  When I started running I was about 20 pounds lighter.  It's the perfect storm.  When I said before that this is the bit of training where it gets difficult.  When you start running more than you walk...I meant it.  And it did get hard.  And I got discouraged.  And I skipped a few runs.  And then tried to redeem myself this week.  I feel like I'm failing.  And while I know I won't FAIL, because I will persevere, I'm struggling right now.

Interestingly enough, cardiovascularly, I feel that I have a slight edge.  I'm not that winded when I run.  It's my legs, butt, core that can't handle it.  And really, I feel that breathing was harder to master than building muscle so that's the good news I have.

And time.  I have no time.  Now that I'm back at work, it's hard to fit everything in.  Now I only get to see Clare for about 3 hours each evening before she goes to bed.  Some of that is dinner time for me and my husband and then add a 1/2 hour into that for running.  Ok.  I'll admit, when I type it out it doesn't seem like that much effort.  Even to me.  But for some reason, I never feel like I have the time and I always default to my baby.  And I feel that is as it should be.  She's a baby.  I want to be with her.  We'll have to find a way.  That's all.

In the mean time I'll be plodding along, one foot in front of the other at about 4 mph with my flashers on in the slow lane.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mother, Runner, and again Working Woman

It is with mixed emotions that I return to work tomorrow.  Clare is 3 months old and I feel like we are in a good mom/daughter groove.  I'm starting to get to know her well and she definitely knows me.  I've said all along I didn't think I was cut out for this stay-at-home mommy thing, and while I'm not.  It's going to be hard to drastically cut back the hours I've been spending with her.  40 hours a week seems like a lot.  Maybe someday I can figure out something part-time or just a different situation, but for now, I'll be at work.  It will be nice to get back to that daily routine - I do better with routine. 

My running camp that I joined is at that critical time when the running-shoe-rubber hits the road.  When you first start it seems ridiculously easy.  Run for 2 minutes?  No problem! (OK - so it wasn't completely effortless, but it didn't seem impossible).  We are transitioning this week to running longer than we walk, and I remember when I was training for my first 10K (6 years ago!!! YIY) there came a point, about in the middle of the program, when you felt like you turned the corner into a runner.  It got noticeable harder.  That's going to be this week I think.  I welcome the challenge.  It feels good to be able to push myself again without worrying about another human being.  I just worry about me.  It's nice.  Mother's really do make ultimate sacrifices for their children and I'm not just saying that because I am a mom now.  It's more like I am understanding what millions of other women do for their children.  It amazes me actually.

Last Wednesday when we run, the coach was talking about how running gives you the confidence that you can do anything.  You can ask for that promotion, lose weight, skydive....whatever.  And the first thing that came to my mind was "But I couldn't give my daughter a natural birth".  I think about this a lot when running and I believe I'm still harboring some feelings of guilt, disappointment and failure about the way things went down.  My husband said "You say that like you had a choice."  True - it was an emergency C-Section - not planned, I did everything I could but it was out of my control.  But I cannot help the way I feel.  It's just going to take time to let go I think.  Anyway, I think about this a lot while running.  Let me update from a previous post...Labor is NOT like running a marathon.  I was a fool :)  There are no walk breaks during labor.  You cannot get a water break and it hurts and is exhausting with no easement.  And it gets worse.  Yet I still have memories of pushing through a lot while running and feeling so proud of myself and what I could accomplish which make the actual labor part feel like even more of a failure.  I DNF'd birth.  I've often said that my greatest fear is reaching my limits.  Knowing that I cannot do any better.  That was the most I would understand intellectually, the most fit I could ever be, the most caring I can ever be.....So maybe having Clare just felt like reaching my limit.  Like that was something I just couldn't handle and do.

I KNOW.  I KNOW.  I KNOW.  I have a beautiful baby girl and I am healthy.  I finished.  I know it isn't rational, but it's how I feel sometimes.  98% of the time I do not think of this, but running opens you up to a flood of emotions and thoughts.  And there you have it.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Running strong

Running Camp Week 2:

The hardest part about this week was NOT using the 30% discount on clothing and 25% discount on shoes at the local running store after the run.  We met at a running store as part of the week's lecture series to give us information on all assessories running.  I wanted so very badly to buy the shoes that I would need next year and a few tops that I would NEED for this summer.  But I stopped.  Because.  Because I've grown.  I'm more mature than that now.  Eh.  It sucked walking out of there with nothing.  But you know what sucks worse?  My drawers not opening because they are so stuffed with clothes they get stuck.  And then I have to go through and decide what I want to get rid of.  And I think getting rid, is harder than walking away.  And after this remodel project and all of the crap Clare has been buying (I know, she's a total shop-aholic) I know that I want to have an organized house with less clutter.  And that means less stuff coming in or more stuff going out.  So no new shoes.  No new tanks. 

We ran 4 minutes walked 6 and I thought it was easier than the first week.  I think I'm getting more used to it.  Back into it shall we say.  It felt great again.  My whole week is better when I am exercising. 

I'm off to shop for jogging strollers.  Sure we already have a stroller, but not a JOGGING stroller.  And we might need one of those umbrella strollers too at some point.  See what I mean!?!  How much crap Clare has to buy!  Sheesh!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Mother Runner

I am a mommy.  For 2 whole months now.  It's nothing like I ever expected.  Both in terms of work and love.  I was worried that my plans to get back into running wouldn't work out because I ended up having a cesarean.  Not so much the natural birth I wanted, although I did get to experience it for 18 hours.  I healed up nicely and after 9 weeks am able to run.  We had our first women's running class last night. 
I know what you're thinking.  "Oh my gosh! She's the cutest baby in the world!!!" I know right?!?!?
It was EXHILARATING.  I remembered some things.  I'm a runner.  I love to run.  I'm not sure I can even describe how great it was, but since this is a blog and that's sort of the point, I'll try.  I've left Clare before for a few hour here or there.  Every time I do, I'm always wondering what's she's doing.  Worried if she's crying and I miss her like crazy.  Cuz you know..I love her.  Except for last night.  The weather was perfect (God must have know that anything less might have discouraged me).  When we were running it was like everything was exactly right.  I didn't think of Clare at all.  It was me and my own thoughts and all of these wonderful words and thoughts came to my mind that I would write about here.  A very welcome break.

It was very humbling, yet with the experience I've had as a runner I was still confident.  I know what I'm capable of.  But it was so very hard.  That's the humbling part.  Here I was in a group of people, some who have never run in their lives and I was numbered amongst them.  But I had run.  It's weird to not be able to do what you could once do with ease.  I'm talking about running for 2 minutes.  2 MINUTES!  It was rough.  My legs felt like bricks.  I was out of breath.  But in eight weeks I'm going to be able to run a 5k.  No doubt.  

Nothing ever felt so right or natural to me than to be running again.  To be with a group of women.  To do something on my own, for myself.  Everyday has been a question.  Are you hungry?  Should you sleep now?  Are you bored?  Are you over stimulated?  Should I be doing more with you?  What should you wear today?  And everyday I think I have no idea what I am doing.  But I know how to run.  No question.  Exercise is so good for the soul.  It felt nourishing to me.  I cannot wait to go out again. 

Friday, January 28, 2011

Like so many things in life

I knew the one I was going to marry when I met him.  It was a great relationship, positive and special, from day 1.

When I tried on that wedding dress, I knew it was the one.

When we thought about having a baby in October 2009, we knew we weren't ready.  When we thought about it early 2010, we just knew we were ready.

I had my doubts about if I would really ever feel ready for delivering this baby, but like so many other things in life (my life anyway), I should just trust that I'll know.  I'll feel it.  It will happen.  I've been waiting for the "uncomfortable" pregnant to set in for a while now so that I would be so uncomfortable that I would just want this baby out.  But that never happened.  Dang my ever optimistic positive attitude.  Maybe others feel uncomfortable at this point, but I guess I don't.  Granted everything for me has been super easy so far.  I can't complain.  So without that discomfort, how would I feel ready?  But I do!  In the past few days, I'm so ready.  So excited for this experience, so excited to do this with my husband.  Just ready.

I've ready about 100 articles on how to know when labor starts.  They all say the exact same thing by the way.  But I keep thinking if I read it over and over, maybe I'll see something that I over looked and maybe I'll be able to know if I'm close or not.  Or maybe labor started and I didn't realize it.  

Have I learned nothing???  I'm sure I'll know labor when it starts!

I'm "due" on Monday.  I tried to focus on a February birthday so that I wouldn't get too caught up in an exact due date.  But it's hard.  Especially when everything is ready!  Here is our temporary baby station until the remodeling completes and baby has a bedroom of it's own.

There are diapers and receiving blankets in a nice basket by the side of the dresser.

We got a co-sleeper for the side of the bed.  Hopefully I'll hardly have to wake up at all! Haha.